I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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