I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
