you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
