I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
