Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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