I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
