the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize