life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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