I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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