i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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