Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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