I molested 6 butterflies tonight
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
