are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
