Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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