everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
