this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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