I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I would fuck him just for his dog
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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