While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
