He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
