I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
