Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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