Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize