Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
