I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
