I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
