I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
