i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
