it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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