im drinking this country out of the recession.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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