Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize