good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
