I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
