party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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