My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Randomize
