I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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