The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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