There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
