i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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