If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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