my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Randomize
