she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
