I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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