Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
