I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize