I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Randomize
