yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
