Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
