Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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