I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
