I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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