New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
