i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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