I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
