RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
