Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
