so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
