im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
